My IRL friends know me as a strong woman even I have so many problems in life like family, finances, and work (I don’t have a love life). However, nobody could read my tired eyes and asked if I was stressed or “are you tired? because you look so stressed out”. Maybe because I always telling them that I’m busy with work — which is true — and they know that I.T. job is always stressful. Everyday after work, I always brain drained. Our brain is the profit for this profession. Analyzing the algorithm of the program, reading the flow charts, programming codes, project management and meeting with your team or superiors. Depends what is your position but this is our life in I.T. world.
I have also a health issue. I’m diabetic. Stress is a risk to a diabetic. It increases our glucose level.
My Online guy friend told me to seek professional help on July 2010 after I left my work because he sensed some changes in me. I wasn’t anymore cheerful, not anymore sociable… I was different. I was still in denial since Filipinos are not educated with mental health or we don’t believe that mental health exist. In the year 2010 of November, I bravely seek a psychiatrist to have an mental assessment and I got my first diagnosed – Chronic Depression because I cried and cried during my therapy. However, depressed people isolate themselves to the society and shut themselves to the world, but I don’t. I still talk to people. After a year, I re-assessed with a new psychiatrist and have me a mood test. The result came and that I have Bipolar Disorder II.
I’m still living with this mental illness up to this date. I have taken lots of medicines to stabilized my mood but nothing worked. Nothing cures with my mental illness. It is only manageable. Then I decided to stop my therapy and medicine and had a big reflection. What is the root cause of this mood swing disorder? I dig and dig and I therefore conclude that I’m over stressed and I’m workaholic. I use work as an escape to the world and problems. Even my friendships are treated like colleagues. My life has became like an office life. Is it that scary, isn’t it? The work and life balance doesn’t exist in me.
Ask yourself, what changes in you when you are tired of everything?
This question never exist in me because I love my work and I love working. I drowned myself into it. This needs to be stop. I reached the point wherein I am exhausted — Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had been there. Physically, my brain is tired. My mental condition is keeping me tired all the time and my mental condition is a MOOD disorder, emotionally, I’m sooooo tired.
When I’m tired, I’m agitated. I get lazy to do my interests. I need my “me” time. All I want to do is lay on my bed and sleeeeeeeeep.
But when life changes us all of the sudden?
When my father died 3 years ago, I wasn’t prepared to take the responsibility. My brother and younger sister have a family of their own and I’m the only single. I needed to step up. It wasn’t easy for me but I have no choice. My mom and I didn’t have time to grief too. I know it isn’t healthy but a month after my father passed away, it was my mom’s scheduled operation. Someone with mental condition will give encouragement to someone? It’s okay to say “I’M NOT STRONG” but I didn’t want to give my mom that impression that I’m weak. The stress level those days were really high. Going back and forth with hospital and home to work. My boss was so kind to tell me if I need time for family, just let him know but it is my choice to deal with all of these.
In the peak of my stress level, I wanna scream. I AM TIRED. I want to have a week of vacation leave which I did when I went to Taiwan last year, and Coron, Palawan last June (another backlog to do). These are only temporary stress relief. I wish I can travel more.
Today’s inflation …
Sad to say, for someone who is earning average, my salary is not anymore enough for our expenses. I have to work triple! Again, I love my work as a web developer. I love designing websites, and working with WordPress is easy for me. To be honest, I also get tired.
I’M NOT A ROBOT
Don’t get me wrong, I’m strong despite of my mental illness, but deep inside, I’m tired. I fixed my time management with my 3 works (full time, freelance and part-time) and there were day offs. As much as possible, I will go outside to relief myself or change my venue to work and not always at home. Spend time with friends. I didn’t think to go suicide which I used to. I had to cry if I needed to pour out the invisible pain. Mental disorder is an invisible disability.
During WordCamp Manila 2018, I attended the branding talk since I blog. Thanks to Miss Rosario Juan for suggesting bullet journaling because I’m into it. I just don’t know how to maximize it. Since I work at home, my bullet journaling is left empty. I don’t know what to write on it. I can now fill my bullet journaling with the things I need to do, not only work but the stuff I need to do and schedules.